“Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.”
- Mother Theresa
Yes. I binged. A small one. I was having a craptastik night, couldn’t sleep, was tossing and turning and swearing my legs had restless legs syndrome.
And you know what? I didn’t want to share that with people because I feared people would jump to this being lumped into a slip in recovery, which I would call out bullshit.
I am human, and I emotionally eat on occasions, but I am mindful of it, know my triggers and deal with it to help move forward.
Sometimes I don’t like the umbrella of all behaviors being questioned as eating disordered. I am a human, with feelings, with crappy days and sometimes I am not at my healthiest.
But this doesn’t make me a bad person. Or a bad mentor. Or a person in a slip or relapse. I have a life outside of all of that.
I guess I needed to vent because there is my Should Monster telling me I should feel shame about the binge in the middle of the night, and I just don’t. I have enough things going on in life, than to be hard on myself for going through a hard time.
I am capable of having a healthy relationship with food, and I am able to listen and respond to my actual hunger cues. But when you are looking at the clock and it says 2:30am, and you cannot fall asleep for the life of you – and you are out of meds, you start to feel just out of it and loopy.
And here is the thing – sometimes we need to fall apart so we can face life and decisions that need to be made. And there is no reason to feel shame about our behaviors. We need to listen to our inner talk, monitor physical vs emotional hunger, and stop being so hard on ourselves on a daily basis.
I binged, and I didn’t fall apart. And I don’t feel guilty. The only thing I do feel and want to do is nap. And that is healthy when you didn’t get any sleep. I want to listen to my body and its needs, and those thoughts are instant, I don’t have to fight any eating disorder thinking.
Why am I telling you this? Because a big part of who I am is about being authentic, true to myself, and being transparent through this journey. And you are part of the journey. And you all know how I say being accountable and honest is so important, that we shouldn’t hide in a struggle or feel shame in it. So thank you for your reading my work! I don’t see a binge as a moment I need to hide or fluff over. I am willing to talk about, express my feelings about it and move forward.
A moment is a moment.
We are allowed to have crappy days, and moments.
We are allowed to be less hard on ourselves.
We are allowed to learn new lessons with every challenge.
By bingeing I didn’t break recovery, I consider myself out of recovery and in the living life journey.
And life is messy sometimes. And that is simply OK.
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I love how bravely and honestly you share your ups and downs. A bad day is a bad day. Period. You are a good, amazing, and real person. Period. The 2 have nothing to do with one another.
steff (steffsays) recently posted..Vacation Sensation – Part 2 – Vieques
Thank you so much Steff. I really appreciate it. Sometimes it just helps to see a comment from someone to tell you “it IS ok”
As always, your honesty is beautiful. I’m so proud of you for not listening to that monster telling you what you should and shouldn’t do and being yourself. I love you!
Jenn Sternecker recently posted..Pushing through the Battle
Love you as well! If I say you should fight the monsters then so do it
You said it so perfectly that there’s pretty much nothing to add, except this: I think it makes you a BETTER mentor/leader. As I like to say, it’s not about “never again” it’s about catching yourself sooner and learning from it. It’s about loving yourself enough to know that you’re okay, too!
KCLAnderson (Karen) recently posted..The World Peace Diet
Thank you Karen. And interesting point I had not even considered! I definitely do not say “never again” but trying to learn and grow. Thank you for your comment about it making me a better mentor/leader – that is a huge compliment and I am grateful for it!
thank you for being real. the shame of life is so often the lack of authenticity. the truth is wondrous even when it isn’t happiest or polished to its inevitably imperfect shine.
much love,
azhe’n
azhe’n recently posted..care
Thank you so much azhe’n!!! I truly appreciate it! I think it is so important to be authentic!
What a fantastic post! Thank you for sharing this with us. I am so proud of you, and so fortunate to be among the many who learn so much from you and your journey!
Awe thank you Trish!!!! I think it is so important for me to share all of my journey. I appreciate you reading and leaving a comment. It is hard to put ourselves out there
I admire your honesty. I always think someone is more authentic when they share those bad days, because it shows that they are human. You had a bad day…you processed it and you seem like you aren’t going to let it get the best of you anymore. Good for you.
As for the Should monster, I always tell it that it’s not going to Should on me today. See what I did there?
Lindsey – thank you so much. I love telling it its not going to SHOULD on me. That is such a fantastic perspective!!! I think it is really valuable to see people go through struggles and share how they were able to get through things. It always gave me hope when I would read those posts, and wanted to do that myself.
I agree with Karen, it’s not about “never again” because that’s not realistic. Life happens and we all deal with it in different ways. It’s not a big deal. It happened, you’re aware of it, as long as you’re not out of control I don’t see any cause for alarm. No grudges, move on. And I’m glad you shared that so others can see that’s possible.
The one thing I thought of with your response was “progress not perfection” which is so true. LIFE happens and it is how we approach the struggles that matter.
Your vulnerability is so beautiful! =)
I agree with Karen. Being vulnerable, and being not perfect, makes you a better mentor.
I’m a Health Coach myself, so I’m sort of in the same boat here. I specialize in working with women with fibromyalgia. While I’ve come a looooong way from the bad days I used to have, I sometimes still struggle with admitting when I’m having a bad fibro day – a day where I’m more exhausted than normal and just want to stay in my pj’s all day and hang out on the couch.
The thing is, if I don’t admit to having those days, how will my clients ever be able to relate to me? Or really know that I really DO relate to them?
You want to be a good example, but you also need to be human. It’s your humanness that will carry the day in the end. =)
Tami Stackelhouse recently posted..First Commandment of Healing- Don’t be an ass Honor your body
Tami – I love your comment. I think its a powerful thing to be able to admit – hey we are human and we have struggles as well. It is always what I relate to in blogs and posts! We are human and while we aren’t in the thick of things, by sharing things we do help others connect to us. Thank you for your lovely comment and reminder to be who I am in all I do.
Wow. We had the same day today. Totally. I couldn’t sleep last night, was getting frustrated and irritated, and binged on junk food. Total emotional eating. I don’t feel guilty, either. Stuff happens. And your honesty about it all helps me to be honest, too. One of the (MILLION) reasons I love you. ♥
seriously we are like soul sisters!!!!! LOVE you and hugs to you. I am grateful to know you
Kendra
Seriously in my opinion the fact that you did binge and then made it not a big deal by blogging it is EXACTLY why you are a great mentor – and if I ever stop being afraid to sign up for a mentor I can only hope she’s as wonderful as you!
I needed this. To think that I’m never going to binge again in my life, sets me up to feel like a complete failure as soon as I binge even a little. Its going to happen, its a part of my life and what I struggle with. But recognizing that one moment of binging doesn’t mean my entire life is a write-off.
Monique I am so glad you have come on here to share that!!! It is about progress and NOT perfection. Life is to be lived, and learned
Oh, I SO agree. I’ve been hesitant to share about my binges and failures in the past, too, but really.. it’s beautiful to share honestly about these things.
sui recently posted..on bravery- why jumping out of planes is easy
I think reading your posts being brutally honest about your struggles is what inspired me to write this!!! Your honesty helped shine a light that there is no reason to be quiet or share when we struggle. So thank YOU!
[...] I binged and it’s ok An honest and candid post from Kendra– just because we binge doesn’t mean we’re “bad” mentors, role models, or relapsing. [...]
[...] I Binged and It’s OK. I love the honesty here – the pristine example of self-love and compassion – the rejection of the “but-if-I’m-recovered-I-can’t-make-mistakes” notion. Still not sure you could feel OK after a binge? Re-read 20 Reasons Not to Hate Yourself After a Binge and Learning to Love the Part of Yourself that Binges. [...]