Jealousy is simply and clearly the fear that you do not have value. Jealousy scans for evidence to prove the point – that others will be preferred and rewarded more than you. There is only one alternative – self-value. If you cannot love yourself, you will not believe that you are loved. You will always think it’s a mistake or luck. Take your eyes off others and turn the scanner within. Find the seeds of your jealousy, clear the old voices and experiences. Put all the energy into building your personal and emotional security. Then you will be the one others envy, and you can remember the pain and reach out to them. ~Jennifer James
Jealousy suck. I hate it. I am never jealous in romantic relationships. I do not know why, but I always have known my place in a relationship, and know I am loved, supported. Perhaps I have chosen healthy partners. Perhaps I just know I have some relationship issues and do not see them as always lasting. I do not know, but it isn’t a struggle for me.
But when it comes to advocacy, blogging, and my efforts through ViR, I get jealous and struggle with comparison. I look at posts of others, how many comments they get, how much love and support they get, and instead of feeling proud and happy for them, the instinctual reaction is of jealousy and comparison. I know that is wrong, and I immediately self talk and recognize this as instinctual but I do not have to let it be my reality.
But it still sucks.
I was reading this post by Your Kick as Life and Andrea said “I reverted back to being 15 years-old again. OMG her outfit is totally better than mine/She’s prettier than me/Why didn’t I say that first/She’s WAY cooler than me/I should wear more make-up all the time/……”
Wow. I could SOOO relate to that.
This study says “Jealousy and attachment share some characteristics: both can be interpreted as dynamics aimed at maintaining the subjects/partners together, appear to be triggered by the separation from the attachment figure/partner, involve the same basic emotions, such as fear, anger, sadness, and, finally, both they elicit a sense of safety when the other is close and responsive, or the opposite when he or she is distant.”
I know this is supposed to be related to relationship jealousy, but perhaps there is something there. Perhaps I am feeling distant and unconnected to the relationships around me, so when I read things online I am finding jealousy as the first response. This is showing that jealousy and insecurity are linked. Which is a big duh.
Perhaps I need to focus more on the relationships I feel distant in. And more to the point – I need to share love, support, and appreciation for those I get jealous towards. Because it isn’t about them, it is about me.
There is this book I think I need to read.
It talks about conceptualizing friendship jealously in childhood and adolescence. This is something I know I have history with. Like Andrea said in her post, she reverts back to her 15 year old self. I know how this goes. I know middle school was a challenge for me and made me mistrust women. I know that was in early development and perhaps some of those memories have remained with me today.
In truth I am proud and adore all the people I get jealous of. I don’t like the feelings of jealousy and comparison. I know my instinctual voice struggles with wanting to be like others, while at the same time I honestly NEVER want to be like another. A contradiction between instinct and authentic voice. I know my true voice, is one that recognizes and appreciates my voice. I know my instinctual voice is my fear, my insecurity and my 13 year old self. I know when that voice comes into play, I need to practice self love, and figure out where I feel insecure.
My 13 year old self handled bullying, girl rivalry, and it was a period of time where I cried all the time. I would like to go back and tell myself I do not have to be so strong, I do not have to put up a wall with all women. I do not need to distrust all women. Perhaps those generalizations are part of my subconscious and at least I recognize them today.
It just makes me feel for young girls who go through middle school and high school and are learning these lessons that could potentially be carried forward in generalizations and mistrust of women, relationships, and continuously foster the spirit of competitiveness versus collaboration. We need to teach young women to not only be less mean towards one another, but show how collaboration is a strength!
I am starting to learn these lessons in the last few years, and hope young girls can learn these lessons sooner. I am grateful for the friends I have met through social media, because while an instinctual jealous moment may rear its ugly head, I am aware and have made some of the most amazing, supportive relationships through collaboration, support, and friendship.
So take that instinctual voice, my authentic voice holds more weight. I refuse to allow fear, mistrust, and competitiveness into my world. I will support, love, and reach out in kindness to those I admire. They are my teachers, my friends, and women I admire.